Detective Retirement

A detective who spent his entire career in plain
clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?"
the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . .
"I'm very fond of undercover crops."

Clean Out Your Cubicle

Pizza Delivery

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay,
they'd be bagels.

The Interview

Larry King was once asked whom he would
interview if he could choose any person
across time. He quickly responded, "Jesus
Christ," noting that he would ask if Jesus
was indeed virgin born. "For me,"
explained King, "that would order all
of history." In a similar vein, Bertrand
Russell, the renowned agnostic philosopher,
was once asked what he would say if he
found himself standing in front of God.
Russell immediately answered that he
would assert, "You did not give us
enough evidence."

MORE: http://xrl.us/ewjs

Beware Of Dog

Pictures That The News Might Not Show

Please pray for our troops as they defend our

country from terrorism & help free the people

of Iraq. Let's hope that theywill be encouraged

to do their jobs well.

Why The U.S.A. Is At War:

http://attacked911.tripod.com/

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2001/memorial/lists/by-name/

Cold Food

Girls Are Silly!!!

Michelle, Allison and Abby were chatting over coffee.

Says Abby, "I've been experiencing a strange
and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine
when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or
sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."

Abby then took a sip of her coffee. "Oww!"
she cried. "There it goes again!"

Says Michelle,

"Abby, sweetie.....

take the spoon out of the cup!"

On Your Nerves

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the
post office for what seemed an eternity.

"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I
was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."

The man in front of me piped up. . .

"You'd better get used to it now. Once those young ones get on your
nerves, they can stay there till they're 22."

PLEASE OPEN MY DOOR

PLEASE OPEN MY DOOR
http://xrl.us/ewbb

Got Milk

The Evil That Men Do

In the wake of the tsunami that claimed more than
220,000 lives, some people were asking hard questions.
Faced with such devastation, they wanted to know,
how was it possible to believe in a good, all-powerful
God?

Now stories are leaking out about what's going on in
the aftermath of the tsunami. The reports are sketchy
and anecdotal so far, but they already have people
asking another, equally important, question: Is it
possible to believe in the goodness of man?

MORE: http://xrl.us/evxe

Root Beer Please

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt

under his arm and says: "A root beer, please,

and one for the road."

Famous Quotes

"America was born a Christian nation. America was born
to exemplify that devotion to the elements of righteousness,
which are derived from the revelations of Holy Scriptures.
Part of the destiny of Americans lies in their daily perusal
of this great book of revelations. That if they would see
America free and pure they will make their own spirits
free and pure by this baptism of the Holy Spirit."
--President Woodrow Wilson

For Christians, the life and death of Jesus are the ultimate
expressions of love, and the supreme demonstrations of
God's mercy, faithfulness, and redemption. Since Christ's
miraculous Resurrection on Easter, more than 2,000 years
ago, Christians have expressed joy and gratitude for this
wondrous sacrifice and for God's promise of freedom for
the oppressed, healing for the brokenhearted, and salvation.
--President George W. Bush

"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this
great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians;
not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ. For this
very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum,
prosperity, and freedom of worship here."
--Patrick Henry (original member of the Continental Congress)

The Book

Bible - God's Word to you in
different languages...

http://www.scriptures.com/

Who...

Who is Jesus?

http://www.ccci.org/wij/

Quarter-Pounder

Some people say, "I go to church, so I am
a Christian. But that's like saying if you
go McDonald's, you are a quarter-pounder.

F.S.C. 0 - A.S.C. 1000

On one side of the issue are those who don't understand
how anyone could disagree with the use of unviable
fetal tissue. They just can't fathom why there would be
resistance to enabling Superman to walk again. And on
the other side are those standing so close to the dis-
cussions opposing the devastating and abhorrent
practice of abortion that the real topic of discussion
is lost.

Both groups have a blind spot. The curious thing
about blind spots is that you can't see them. Let's
look at this from a sports perspective. It's the first
half. And the score? Read the board.

Fetal Stem Cells 0 - Adult Stem Cells 1000s

It doesn't even sound like a game worth watching,
does it?

Related Links:
• Adult Stem Cells by David A. Prentice, Ph.D.
• Stem Cells From Fat Used to Repair Girl's Skull - AP
• Selling Out for Science - Newsweek
• Engineered Stem Cells Can Home In On Tumors
• Stem Cells Used to Repair Heart Tissue - Reuters
• Stem Cell Information Page

Stony Silence

A couple were driving to the airport in stony silence

since they had had an argument and she was not

really interested in flying in her husband’s aircraft

that afternoon. They drove past a meadow in

which several goats, cows, horses and sheep

were grazing. He asked sarcastically, “Relatives

of yours?” “Yes!” she quickly replied “In-laws.”

(Ths: Marie - S. Africia)

Catching Cold

A patient goes in to his doctor and says,

"Doctor, yesterday I spent all day photo-

graphing my nose, and today I can't stop

sneezing."

The doctor scratches his head and asks,

"Did you get the pictures back yet?"

"Not yet." says the patient, "Why?"

The doctor says,

"Well, obviously, you're developing a cold."

Difficult Times

How many of you have prayed … believed …
desired … hoped and worked for something,
and then, in one fell swoop, all your efforts
seemingly get crossed up and don’t pay off?

MORE: http://xrl.us/eun6

Perpetually Ascending Staircase

Better Software

Shopping Center

Once you've seen one shopping

center, you've seen a mall.

Francis Scott Key

Born: August 1, 1779
Died: January 11, 1843

Lawyer, poet who penned the national anthem of the
United States of America. His published works include
"The Power of Literature and Its Connection with
Religion" and the posthumous collection "Poems."

After the British attacked and set fire to both the Capitol
and the White House, a long night of battle ensued. When
daylight came, much to everyone's surprise, the flag was
still there. This led the amateur poet to write on the back
of a letter in his pocket the lines that would become central
to the national anthem. A Baltimore actor sang the new song
in a public performance the next month as "The Star-spangled
Banner" and it became a popular patriotic song. In 1931
Congress enacted legislation that made this the official
national anthem. Key was appointed the United States District
Attorney and appeared many times before the Supreme Court.

Lyrics

Great 19th Century Author

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man
has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men
have some. - Charles Dickens

A Man's Home

A man's home is his castle,
in a manor of speaking.

Humming Birds

Hungry Clock

When a clock is hungry, it

goes back four seconds.

This Software

Movies & T.V.

Why are you IN a movie,

but you are ON TV?

Montana Miracle

The funeral plans for Matt were in the works. The Park Service

had announced that Matt was one of five people who had been

killed in a plane crash on a mountainside in Montana. The funeral

never happened. Suddenly, Matt's bereaved parents heard the

stunning news: although he had been badly injured, their son,

along with one other Forest Service worker, had just been

rescued alive, miles from the crash site. Rescue workers at

the scene of the crash had concluded that the charred wreckage

and the scattered human remains indicated that the crash had

been "insurvivable," they said. But amazingly, Matt and his

fellow worker hiked for 29 hours, often in subfreezing

temperatures, until they reached a highway where a motorist

picked them up. One news magazine called it, "A Miracle

in the Snows of Montana" MORE: http://xrl.us/es3w

TRIVIA

One of the great but little-known treasures of New York
City is a forty-acre hemlock forest, undisturbed, as far
as is known, since the time of the Indians. The grove
stands on the banks of the Bronx River in the New York
Botanical Garden.

***

The pyramids in Egypt contain enough stone and mortar to
construct a wall 10 feet high and 5 feet wide running from
New York City to Los Angeles.

***

Pizza

In Australia, the Number 1 topping for pizza is eggs. In Chile,
the favorite topping is mussels and clams. In the United States,
it's pepperoni.

***

A Christmas Carol

The four ghosts in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol were
the ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, Christmas
Yet to Come, and the ghost of Jacob Marley.

***

A "Blue Moon" is the second full moon in a calendar month
(it is rarely blue).


???

CLOSE CALL

The title role of Dirty Harry, 1971, was originally
intended for Frank Sinatra. After he refused, it was
offered to John Wayne, and then Paul Newman, finally
being accepted by Clint Eastwood.

***

Ye OLD LANGUAGE TRIVIA

The "y" in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pro-
nounced with a "th" sound, not "y". The "th" sound
does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied
(present day) England used the rune "thorn" to rep-
resent "th" sounds. With the advent of the printing
press the character from the Roman alphabet which
closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".

***

PENULTIMATE

The last thing to happen is the ultimate. The next-to-
last is the penultimate, and the second-to-last is the
antepenultimate.

****

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for
good men to do nothing."

- - Edmund Burke (1729-1797), Irish philosopher and statesman.

The Chief and the Thief

It was centuries ago, when all of North America

belonged to its Native people. One nomadic

Indian tribe in the Great Plains was blessed with

a chief that was beloved and respected by every-

one who knew him. He was known as a man who

deeply loved his people, and he showed it - and

a man of absolute justice and fairness and he

showed that. One day some braves brought a

very troubling report to him; there had been

several mysterious thefts from people in the tribe.
.

The chief wanted to nip this kind of stealing in

the bud so he announced a severe penalty for

the thief. He would be tied to a post when the

sun was high, his back laid bare, and he would

be beaten with a whip twenty times. Then the

chief set a trap. He asked two of his trusted

braves to leave some animal pelts in front of

a teepee one night and to watch all night from

another tepee. It was the middle of the night
when one of those braves awakened the chief

with the news, "We've caught the thief." "Then

bring him in," the chief ordered sternly.

MORE: http://xrl.us/esbd

Birth Registration

A UNC grad goes to the Birth Registration

Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name

he wants to give to the boy, and the father

replies: "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not

acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says the UNC grad: "What? There weren't

any objections when I called my first two

sons Mark and Frank."

Child Care

It's a recognized fact that the only
thing kids wear out faster today
than their shoes is their parents!!!

CAMPING TIPS

-- When using a public campground, a tuba placed
on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either
side vacant.



-- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by
kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.



-- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep
your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well,
but the cheese sticks between your toes.



-- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for
years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely
unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.



-- You can compress the diameter of your rolled
up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Be Patient

Be completely humble and gentle; 

be patient, bearing with one

another in love.  --Ephesians 4:2

Bible Verse

Illusion?

Bad Time To Run Out Of Film

Abounding In Love

You are forgiving and good,
O Lord, abounding in love
to all who call on You.

--Psalm 86:5

The Greatest Story Ever Told - In Many Languages

Watch The Video:

http://www.jesusfilm.org/languages/index.html

Kitty